So this is a post that I have been thinking about for a long time, but never really had the guts to post. After further thought, I figured that my blog doesn't get a lot of traffic anyways, so there is a high chance that it won't get read (which is completely fine). I think writing it is more therapeutic for me anyways, which seems to be reason enough to do it.
So Tyler and I have been struggling with infertility. I know that we have confided to a few family members and friends about it, but it has been something that we haven't really wanted to be shared. Maybe because we are embarrassed, maybe because we are trying to be optimistic or maybe because we haven't really wanted it to feel official. Who knows. It's been a rough roller coaster ride. It's hard to not have your body do what it's supposed to, especially when you know that the role of being a mom is something you have always wanted and looked forward to. We have been trying for a baby for about 2 years, and we have had doctor's assistance for about a year. Can I just announce that infertility sucks. It sucks the energy out of you, it sucks the positivity out of you, it sucks the hope out of you... and it just plain sucks in general.
The doctors have me on a timeline where I take medicine to have my menstrual cycle, then medicine to ovulate, and then we have to be super aware of timing, then I have to go in for a blood test, and then we wait to see if it all worked, and then we start over. Lets just say, this is a roller coaster.
I guess the timing of this post is coming now because yesterday I got the call from the doctors office with the bad news, yet again. Let's be honest: I cried. I pulled my car over and cried. Then I called Tyler, and gave him the bad news, and cried. Then I called my Mom, and cried. It's really hard after these moments to have faith and trust in God's timing. It makes me reflect back on myself and who I am as a person. It makes me wonder if there are things that I need to change, and if that's what the hold up is on all of this. All of this also makes me think of faith. I think that through this whole experience, I am learning more and more about what faith really is. I think at first I was treating it like a stubborn bulldozer. I was trying to have this mindset of "It will work! I know I am going to get the news back and I will be pregnant, and that's that!". I think I am slowly learning that, while confidence in the Lord and His power is important, a great deal of it is confidence in His timing and in His plan.
I'm still learning obviously. I'm learning that it's how I react after the bad news that is making me who I am as a person. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel sad and down for a little bit, and it's for a good reason! I want a baby! I want a little nugget in my home that I get to shower with love, so by all means, when that opportunity is out of my reach, it's okay to be sad about it. However, I can't let it make me into an ugly person. I can't let that sadness linger too long. I can't let it begin to consume me. I don't want to get to the point where I begin to feel angry when other's announce their happy baby news. I don't want to get to a point where I stop being a positive person, or an optimistic person.
I know that God is aware of me. I feel His peace that He brings. I keep thinking of the story in the New Testament where Jesus went to heal Lazarus. When he arrived, he was too late and Lazarus was dead. Jesus met with Mary and Martha, whom were Lazarus's family, and they were obviously distraught and weeping. Jesus, knowing full well that He was about to heal and bring Lazarus back to life and make everything better, instead wept with the women. He just cried and mourned with them. Afterwards, he performed a miracle and restored their family. It touches me though that he took the time to mourn with them. He could have easily said "Look, everything is fine. Don't you trust me? Don't you know I'm going to fix everything?" But instead, He wept with them.(John 11) I share that story because this is becoming a hard trial for me. However, I feel the Lord with me. I know that He is aware of my feelings and struggles. He may have His miracle planned down the line for me, but even until we get to that point, I know He is here for me during the hard points as well, and for that I am so grateful.
I am still nervous to push that publish button up in the top corner. I'm nervous to have this glum personal trial out there for everyone to read. I don't share this to be sad, or to evoke sadness in others. Like I said above, this feels therapeutic for me. I feel better as I write my feelings and thoughts down and am better able to organize them. If anything, I want to share this with other's because I know that we all have trials. We all struggle with our own set of problems. Whether it's infertility, loneliness, loss, confusion, etc. we have a Lord who weeps with us, comforts us, and has a happy ending planned for us (in this life or the next).
I am thankful for the family and friends who have lent support to us so far regarding this or any other trial that we have struggled with. You have no idea how grateful and appreciative we are for you. I am also grateful for the flock of nieces and nephews that I have. Nothing makes you feel better than being around little hugs and laughs. We're blessed to have them in our lives.We love you all, and we are appreciate those of you who take the time to read our little corner of the internet.
With Love,
